Birthdaze

It was my birthday yesterday, number 55, which officially makes me a fossil. If I was the speed limit, in some places I would already be at my maximum... yikes. If I was in the National Football League, I would be the world's smallest linebacker. What an achievement.

A Change in Terrorism Threat Levels

THE ENGLISH are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

TERRORISTS have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

THE SCOTS have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

THE FRENCH government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

ITALY has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

THE GERMANS have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

BELGIANS, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

THE SPANISH are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

AUSTRALIA, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate!" Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

--- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person

Why did the chicken cross the road?

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change!
JOHN McCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens up in here.
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the Liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2011, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2011. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

Brainless Behind the Wheel

The first thing to say has to be that speeding down an Interstate at 118 miles per hour is probably a stupid to do. The second thing to say is that videotaping yourself while doing it is really, really stupid. But, police in Marion County, Ore., say that's what Stanislav Bakanov was caught doing Saturday. The Oregonian writes:

"When asked why he was driving so fast, Bakanov told Marion County Deputy Ryan Postlewait his explanation was going to sound stupid, but that he was making a video to post on YouTube. Bakanov then played back the video of his driving for the deputy. It contained footage of his speedometer with the needle pegged near the top of the dial. It also showed footage of Postlewait's patrol car pulling Bakanov over. Bakanov had fashioned a mount on the windshield to hold the camera while he drove."

The 118 mph referred to earlier, by the way, is what officer Postlewait says he "clocked" Bakanov's 2005 BMW M3 doing. The reference in the Oregonian story to the needle getting near "the top of the dial" is downright scary: The latest M3s have speedometers that go up to 200 mph (though we suspect the car didn't get really close to that; no car we've ever driven seemed capable of getting to its speedometer's limit). And yes, we know that lots of folks have had a camera pointed at their speedometers as they've topped 100 mph.

Walmart Layton: Bureaucratic stupidity at its worst

I read a newspaper story today, and bearing in mind how often reports get things wrong, was still horrified at the actions of super-retailer Walmart in Layton, Utah. The point of this episode is that the employees didn't make the environment dangerous, the ARMED SHOPLIFTER did. These gentlemen did what any right thinking citizen/employees would do. They REMOVED the danger. For them to be fired for their actions is a complete travesty of justice. Walmart may well lose customers over this incident, customers like me, and I hope they do! Read on...

The shoplifter smashed Gabriel Stewart up against a wall. It didn't take him long to realize that pressure against his lower back was from a loaded gun held by a desperate man who didn't want to go to jail. The gunman had a firm grip on Stewart's shoulder, telling him and three of his Walmart co-workers, "Don't make me do this." "Absolutely, time stopped," Stewart told KSL News. "I didn't know what to do." Instantly, Shawn Ray and Justin Richins kicked into gear, spinning the gunman around. Lori Poulsen ripped the gun away and secured it. They all held onto the man until police arrived minutes later. The four Layton Walmart employees felt it was mission accomplished. Police officers told them they had done everything right.

But a week later, all four were fired from their jobs. Walmart said their actions had violated company policy and put their fellow workers and shoppers at risk. It was the afternoon of Jan. 13 when employees at the store saw Trent Allen Longton unwrap a Netbook computer in the electronics section and stuff it under his clothes. Asset protection coordinator Poulsen met him at the door and ushered him back to the loss prevention room to confront him. Not long after, Ray and Richins -- both asset protection associates -- filtered in, followed by Stewart, an assistant manager, to witness.

Moments after he pulled out the small laptop, the workers say Longton also pulled out a handgun and charged toward the closed office door. Ray, Richins and Stewart were in the way. He grabbed Stewart as his way to get out. The four believe their quick actions to disarm and secure the man helped prevent what could have been a tragic event. They held the man until a police officer arrived, who wrote in his report that the gunman was taken to the ground in his and citizens' "best interest and safety."

Awesome Chocolate!

Food of the gods—and that's merely the formal name of the plant that yields the seductive lusciousness of theobroma cacao, otherwise known as chocolate. Its cocoa-bearing seeds were so prized that the Aztecs of Mexico used them as currency. In the modern world, chocolate is more often a currency of love and affection. Yet, as science sinks its teeth into the links between what we eat and the state of our health, it is serving up some particularly sweet reasons to savor the confection. Cocoa turns out to be rich in a specific class of antioxidants that boost blood flow to both the heart and the brain. Researchers have found that chocolate processed to retain high levels of these antioxidants known as flavanols helps even healthy adults shift their mental resources to quickly and accurately meet the demands of complex cognitive tasks. OF COURSE it's good for you. Bring it on!

Pittsburgh Bets A Renoir On Super Bowl Victory

Among the stranger bets being waged on Super Bowl Sunday is whether Fergie will wear shorts during the halftime show. Another bets on the color of the winner's Gatorade dump. Those bets aren't strictly legal in most states, but there's nothing to stop a few hometown art museums from making a friendly wager. The Carnegie Museum of Art in Pittsburgh has bet a Renoir that the Steelers will win Sunday. The Milwaukee Art Museum took that bet — and put up a rare Caillebotte in return. "Our docents were extremely upset," Milwaukee Art Museum Director Daniel Keegan tells NPR's Linda Wertheimer. "They said, 'How could you possibly think of giving up the Caillebotte?' I said, 'That's the point — we have no intention of giving it up.'" Artsy people are really strange, don't you think?